The Pharmacy Chick

Flying the coup in retail

I’m S.A.D

Filed under: Uncategorized — pharmacychick at 10:54 pm on Saturday, January 13, 2018

I don’t write much anymore, you all know that, so I am  sure that this post won’t reach as many people as it used to…and that’s ok. But be that as it may I want to share with somebody ….the face of SAD.

SAD is seasonal affective disorder, and for those who have it, it’s a nightmare.  Pharmacy Chick has had SAD for many years… some years aren’t as bad as others but this year is awful. The last time I remember feeling this bad was 2009. That year I contemplated suicide…a scary notion for someone who has access to the means to do it. SAD wasn’t recognized as a major depressive disorder for a long time but it is now and for that I am grateful. It’s onset corresponds with the onset of short days and the lack of sun. It’s symptoms are varied but the common thread is an overwhelming depression.

I will weep for no reason. Thought of dying will occupy my mind. I “know” that the world would be a better place with me out of it. That is SAD. It defies all logic. Pharmacy Chick is a logical person. She knows she has a good life…a loving family…good friends..a decent job..a comfortable home..but SAD tells me that I am unworthy and useless.

I am the master of deception. I have the ability to hide this from everybody. They don’t know of the urges to drive off cliffs or poison myself with pills and alcohol. I also am convinced that I am saved by the fact that I’m also a  bit of a coward… for I am more afraid to fail than succeed in my attempt to end my life. If I fail then I am forever marked as one who tried to kill her self…

The cure is the sunshine.  Nothing works as well as that hot orb.  Ive taken antidepressants…got a light box…taken exercise… nothing works like the sun.  I went away for a week at the years’ end and that certainly helped, but its fleeting…a week later I can feel the body tank.

I recently  joined a closed group on Facebook, members all have SAD. Their posts are gutwrenching. Some manage better than others, and while it feels somewhat comforting that there are others like myself, its also painful to know that others are suffering the same as or worse than I am.

Pharmacy Chick doesnt share where she lives to retain her anonymity…But suffice to say that its not the Sun-Belt.  I deal with the depression by refusing to stay in the house.  I go to the driving range and hit golf balls til I can hit no more… what ever I can do to keep moving forward…til the sun spends a few more precious minutes fueling my brain.

One day , after I retire to the spot where we hope to end up, SAD will hopefully be a piece of my past.  Til then its a daily reminder of my frailty…the common bond I have with many of my customers…and the sad reminder of the un-logical burden my heart carries this year.

 

 

 

 

7 Comments »

Comment by Officer Cynical

January 14, 2018 @ 7:15 am

As someone who has had to deal with the corpses of all manner of suicide victims – then talk to their families – I hope you’re having this conversation with someone more capable of helping you than your readers.

Comment by PharmacyJim

January 14, 2018 @ 8:07 pm

Keep getting help my internet friend. Life is good, and you are important to many people. Take a break and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Please know that people love you and care about you. God bless you.

Comment by Pharmkat

January 14, 2018 @ 10:26 pm

Hi, Pharmacy Chick. Read your post and just felt compelled to send you some love and hugs via the internet. I’ve followed you for a few years and, as a former retail pharmacist (I stay home with my kids now), have enjoyed your perspective on life behind the counter. I’m thinking of you and wishing you sunny days ahead (in more ways than one).

Comment by murgatr

January 17, 2018 @ 8:41 am

Sorry to hear, my husband has it too (the joys of living up north). Vitamin D and plain old sunshine seem to do the trick. Take Care, we’re rooting for you!

murgatr
Pharm. Tech RDC’06

Comment by Tim

January 20, 2018 @ 11:40 am

Hope you improve. My “happy light” helps me a bit.

Comment by Jade

January 27, 2018 @ 9:05 am

I wanted to respond to this posting, and first of all thank you for saying what you did. While I cannot imagine this undefinably moroseness you are feeling, it must be enveloping you like a pall, and coloring your world like dirty glasses you are trying to peer through. When I had hepatitis many years ago, my physician told me to go to bed for two weeks. No driving, no heavy lifting, etc. That was the worst advice I ever followed. As a result, I lost a lot of strength and all the bedrest did me no good. I was tired, sure, but I lost a ton of fitness, which subsequently made it that much harder to keep track of my weight. Still. I was feeling grim, glum, tired, weak, and a couple things helped. One, when I got better I was able to return to work. Long, hours of work. Kept my mind upbeat and challenged. Another was to change all the depressing color in the main area of the house where we congregated to upbeat color scheme of citrus fruits; bright orange, yellow, lime green, and I found fabric to make for tablecloths, seat cushions and appliance covers, etc. as blue or mauve were the colors that season and not available in K-mart or Penney’s. One foot in front of the other.

Because I didn’t know how I’d contracted it, as a pharmacist, I assumed that someone either had handed me a bloody script or a nurse or phlebotomist used a dirty needle when taking a sample for mandatory tests required to work with chemotherapy preparations. I tried to get outside as much as I could in fresh air, and yes, sunshine when there was some of it.

I still have the sunshine yellow teapot and mugs, and they cheer me whenever the sky is tempting to let loose on a bleary, gray day…like today.

Comment by Wing

June 18, 2018 @ 10:38 pm

Hi Pharmacychick!

I’ve only recently had the pleasure of reading your articles. I really do hope you are doing well. Really enjoyed reading your articles and find that I can relate to them 100%.

Pray you will have faith. The sadness wont last forever and besides I think it is effectively moulding you to be the great person you already are. All I see is an amazing person, and I don’t even know you!

I do feel like you are doing well. If you need someone, anyone~ I am happy to be contacted.

Kind regards,
Ewing

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