The Pharmacy Chick

Flying the coup in retail

One book and some old memories

Filed under: Uncategorized — pharmacychick at 3:25 pm on Sunday, December 13, 2015

Reading thru my Facebook feed several months ago I found a story about a man who found a puppy who had been abandoned in a hole in the bottom of a slot canyon in Arizona.  In short some sick human abandoned a puppy in a hole in a place that only a very experienced rappeller would ever be able to find it.  Amazingly enough he was found in the nick of time.  As the story progresses the man who rescues and keeps  the dog works thru some serious issues in his own life, abandonment by his abusive father, a mentally ill mother, intense bullying from schoolmates and finally some kind of resolution. I found an uncomfortable similarity  to his story…his was worse, but the long lasting effects were not.

As I read thru his struggles  thru his youth I began to realize that we have a name for what we both went thru as kids…bullying.  Of course in the 70’s, they didn’t call it that. It was just kids play.  “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me”.. WRONG. Words can hurt the most and cause everlasting damage.

When I was a toddler I was abused ( molested)  by a neighbor.  He was an old man who lived across the street. He lived with his sister and her husband. Its too disgusting to write about the details but I was in my twenties before I told my mother about what happened and one detail brought back memories that she knew I was speaking the truth.  On one occasion he almost got caught and he tossed me in the bathroom and told me to get dressed.  I put my panties on backwards.  My mother remembered that day and couldn’t figure out how SHE could have dressed me that day…if she only knew….  She was devastated when I told her the news.

When I was in 2nd grade I got glasses.  I was the only person in my class to have glasses. I was teased mercilessly by some of the boys… FOUR EYES!… my teacher came to my rescue only to make it worse because I was now TEACHERS PET.

I developed a little earlier than some of the girls in my class so by the 5th grade I was starting to bump out in places that used to be flat.  The boys would poke at my chest every day and call me ” STUFFER”  implying that  I stuffed my bra with kleenex.  When I finally started my period  in the 6th grade, I sobbed because I had something else I had to manage and hide at school. I was never among the kids that had money or pretty clothes.  We weren’t destitute but  since my brother and I shared clothes ( he got my hand me downs), it was pretty gender neutral clothing.  I hated going to school.  I spent most recesses alone.

Things got really complicated in junior high.  I was awkward, ugly, sensitive and had very few friends .  One teacher befriended me, told me how pretty I was and would take me home after school….after a diverted trip in his pickup.  It was ” OUR SECRET”…  Ill spare you details, but to this day seeing a red Ford pick up truck creeps me out.  I never told my mother about those molestations because I believed it was an embarrassment.  If you ever think that a 12 year old ” should know better”  doesn’t understand the mind of a 12 year old girl who thinks she is ugly, unloveable and undesired.  By the time I was in college I wanted to say something but I knew I would have my name and my family drawn thru the mud so I kept  my mouth shut. Im 52 years old and the only person who knows what happened is Mr Chick.  There is probably many girls with stories to tell about this man, but it appears nobody ever did.   By junior high,  the circle of friends that would last thru high school were developing.  Cliques had formed and if you were in the “right” group, you were cool, if you were not, then you didnt matter.  Guess which one I was in.  I might as well have been invisible.

By high school,  I was used to my isolated existence. For the most part I was left alone. There was a classmate whose mother made her wear a uniform to school every morning and I always felt sorry for her but looking back we were about the same …isolated and alone.  Looking back I wish I had been more brave to make a friend.  I once asked a boy to a dance..the kind where the girl asks the boy…and I was rejected.  I never made that mistake twice.

I was on the moon when I was asked out by a boy who worked at the same restaurant I worked at after school. I should have known better when he only asked me out because he had been told mistakenly that I “put out”.  We kept dating for a long time but I  was pretty offended by that.  He became as much of a bully as any other kid  in my life when he started pressing me to do things I knew I shouldn’t.  When I finally relented it was the most miserable day of my life to date.  From that time to the day when I finally got strong and courageous to leave him, he would use guilt and  oppression to get his way.

A person can stay that way, they can be and play the victim their entire life.  Some act out and become exactly like their bullies.  Others  do the opposite and champion for the causes.  And yet others do what I did, hide it, suppress it and try to let it die somewhere in their past.  The problem is I have learned is that it never really dies.   It does shape us to some degree.  I certainly have more friends than I did when I was a kid, but the ones I have are platonic and I don’t trust anyone with the intimate details of my life.  Certainly NO one knows about this part of my life.   It even took years of being married before I was actually half accepted that I was acceptable ( and loved) by  my spouse.. to this day I don’t understand why he loves me. I am an introvert and happier listening than speaking. I don’t like to have attention brought to myself and prefer the company of the servants than the masters of the house.

I truly believe that the demons are at rest. They are very much alive. They don’t die, but they seem contented to remain dormant where they cannot do any harm. I am a happy person now.  I am what i am, and I can’t be anyone else.  I don’t even know what possessed me to spill all this out, but I do know that for those people who say ” you cant possibly understand what Ive gone thru…”…I can say..

yes, yes I can.

 

6 Comments »

Comment by TexasPharmacyChica

December 13, 2015 @ 6:16 pm

My prayers go out to you. I am thankful you have been able to LIVE after that and sharing your work life and personal life with us. I have always admired your straight forward-ness.I guess all I can say is that I can either own it or let it own me.. I choose to own it!

Comment by anonymous

December 14, 2015 @ 7:19 am

It’s a dark sisterhood, indeed.

May you continue to have healing and support. Thanks for sharing yourself with us from the easy to the frustrating, the simple to the difficulty, the light-hearted to the heavy.

You have a knack for story-telling. While it may have been difficult for you to share your experiences, in doing so you put light not only on the incidents mentioned within but for long-time readers like me, you give hope that out of something so frightening and horrific comes an intelligent, caring, talented, and witty woman.

Best wishes.

Comment by anonymous

December 15, 2015 @ 9:46 am

Your story sounds so similar to mine that I cried when I read it. My demons are at rest also, but I had to have a lot of therapy to put them to rest.

Thanks for sharing.

Peace be with you.

Comment by Karen H

December 17, 2015 @ 11:44 am

I wholeheartedly agree with Anonymous – out of all that is in your past you have allowed God to make something beautiful. And used your pain to help another.

God bless you.

Comment by CW

December 21, 2015 @ 2:52 pm

Thank you for sharing. I feel like I was reading about my life. I’m 40 years old and still do not have the nerve to tell my Mom I was molested by a family member (she asked the other day). I am healing, but it takes time.only you will know the right time to tell. It broke my mothers heart to tell her and I still wonder if it was a secret that should have stayed that way. she beat herself up over letting me go over there.

Comment by Jade

January 11, 2016 @ 1:00 pm

I totally did not expect this, PC, but am glad you took the time and cared enough to share. I am also glad that you’ve passed through that dreadful time, and are all the more stronger for decisions that have contributed to your wisdom. (Now, I’ll hitch up that load on my back, and press forward with a little more hopeful energy.) Be blessed.

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