When I think of “introspection” I think of an examination of my own thoughts and feelings. Most of my day’s work is rarely introspective. Its all about dealing with everybody else’s feelings and wants and needs. I am the supreme pharmacy babysitter most days…” I need this, I want that, I lost this, I am out of that”….FIX IT. And so I do. I sacrifice my appetite, my bladder, my tiredness, body to the department for sometimes up to 13 hours at a time meeting needs that never quit until I shut the gates at closing time, forcing the needs to wait until the next morning onslaught. Its definitely not for the faint hearted, the weak, and certainly not for the impatient.
The roughly 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be a joy and a nightmare at the same time. People go nuts. There is no way around that. They over commit, over indulge, and over pay, resulting in meltdowns over the simplest of things.
I watch this every year with a weird wonderment, because I feel very disconnected in this 4 week period known as the Christmas “season”. The true joy I had the participation of Christmas left on 5-6-98, when my mother died. She was a Xmas nut! We had two trees, one green and one flocked, tons of presents ( all of which I wrapped..she bought…I wrapped..and never peeked …because I had to wrap my own too…long story ). she would bake wonderful confections and cookies which were put on trays she brought to neighbors and friends. It was a labor of love.
When my mother died, so did my connection with the trappings of the holidays. In those years since, I have probably had 3, maybe four years of a Christmas tree in my house. Because my friends give me such grief I went to a big box store and bought a 24 inch fold out plastic tree. It sits in my window box.
I’ve just never been able to get out of this funk over Christmas. I have minimal participation, but I still love some aspects. I could listen to the music all year long and never tire of it. I love the red and green, the over-the-top sweaters, the colored lights on houses..all that stuff, but if you walk into my own home, all you might see is that small plastic tree.
Yea, its probably pathetic. I do a lot of thinking during this 4 week period too. Since Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ, its a fitting time to remember what a huge sacrifice that was. Many people think of the sacrifice of Christ as the death on the cross, but I propose to all that he made TWO huge sacrifices for us. 1) the cross, and 2) when he gave up the glory of Heaven to live as a human. I cannot imagine what that was like to leave his perfectness and live in this imperfect and broken place. He is my perfect model. My gold standard. The perfection I wish to hold to.
Since He is my standard, I pale woefully in comparison, another of my difficulties during this season. MY PERSONAL Introspection reveals what I really am, a complete failure compared to the perfection of Christ. And while his sacrifices will REDEEM me as innocent before the judge, it doesn’t change the fact that I am GUILTY, and he is paying my price. Nothing I can do can ever pay my debt.
Im guilty and keep being guilty. Being a Christian has not made me a better person, forgiven yes, but better? NO. I try, daily in fact, but its hard. I still do dumb things, still say dumb things, still stumble over the same sins over and over. Being a Christian has made me more AWARE of my failures. For example, if your reference model for morality doesn’t include A,B C or D, then you do not have that as a standard. I profess a certain standard to compare myself by and is pains me that I fall short of it every day. Yes, HE forgives me, but I never forgive myself.
Mr Chick lives in the Joy and Freedom that Christ’s sacrifice gave him, but for me, sometimes I just cannot get over my humanity. I find it mildly amusing when I have written this blog over the last few years, I will write about certain subjects and I will be accused of “judging” others. It is what it is, I report what I see, but I dont judge, I never want to be anybody’s judge and jury…as I am busy enough dealing with my own mess to really be worried about anybody elses.
I wish I had the answer…every year during this 4 week time it bubbles to the surface like a poison brew.
Life needs a giant undo button sometimes.