I think everybody in their job has this happen to them at some point in their career. For me, I was listening to a sermon at church ( for any new readers I have..I am an evangelical Christian pharmacist), and it focused on LOVE. It wasn’t about the love men and women have for each other, but the love we Christians are supposed to have and share with each other. We hear songs all the time ” You will know we are Christians by our LOVE…etc” . We manifest Christ’s love for US by loving other people. yada yada yada.
I had an epiphany at that sermon. I dont LOVE most people anymore. I am pretty sure it has been beaten out of me after 26 years of retail pharmacy. Any fire of Love that burned inside of me is a mere flicker anymore, I am convicted. I’m embarrassed to admit that am feeling rather dead right now. I am pretty good at hiding it, and faking it very well at work. I am hippity hop bubbly at work, run my butt off all day making people happy, but if the truth be revealed (and I am pretty sure God can read the heart), I just dont care right now. Once I walk out the door, I DONT CARE.
What I do is more for self preservation ( dont yell at me again) than LOVE ( I do this because I care about you). I just dont have any ambition to care about customers anymore.
Sometimes my dead side seeps to the surface. Some lady was pissing at the counter because ” EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU SAY YOU DONT HAVE A PRESCRIPTION FOR ME! I KNOW HE CALLED IT IN”. Well it turned out they called one of our competitors because she is a pharmacy shopper…she goes to several pharmacies. I really wanted to let her have it..WOULD YOU LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR YOUR RUDENESS”.. ( like I can ever actually get away with THAT?) I did however make her very aware WHERE the script was called in and by whom…and it wasn’t HERE..and I made her wait extra long for it. No, I cant talk back, but I can make her wait.
A little bit of me dies every day I go to work. I have a small group that meets in my house every couple of weeks. We all attend the same church and have been meeting for years. Of the 15 of us, I am the only person who works in a retail setting. Most are engineers ( never talk to the public), a couple work in the school system, and a few are stay at home mothers. I am not saying that any of them have it any easier of a JOB than I do, but its different. Every one of them interact with the same core group of people every day. I encounter whatever walks up to the counter. It can be an emotional crapshoot.
Well I am crapped out. ( to use a gambling term I guess). Going on vacation fails to refuel me, If anything it fuels my desire to leave the profession. We are so busy, going to work is like being in a hot crucible. My company talks out of both sides of their mouths ” we value you…but not enough to give you time to rest, pee or eat, and oh by the way, cut your labor by another 10%) and clearly what I do is never good enough.
I am not a mind reader. I can’t GUESS what the new processor is on somebodys 2013 insurance card, so tossing a tantrum at my counter wont change anything, but when you get home, I hope you feel really stupid when you get my courtesy message reminding you to bring in your new card. I dont care.
I cannot manufacture drugs. If something is out of stock at the wholesaler I can’t just DIVINE it into the pharmacy because a customer yells at me. I just dont care what is in or out of backorder anymore. If I have it…super…if I dont…well, I DONT.
I cannot control a doctor. He will ok a waiting refill whenever he damn well chooses. Not on my demand…or yours either BTW, so whatever…
I cannot control my workload so when you bring me a script and I tell you it will take 40 minutes, and you dont like that, doesn’t change the ugly fact that 15 people beat you to my counter.
It goes on and on…It makes me sad that I feel this way. Its not my nature. My mother called me her “sensitive one”. Its like somebody poured Lidocaine all over my heart. Its completely numb.
I mourn the death of the caring person I used to be.
And so it goes…….