Ok we all have them–some are rational, others…well might not be, but they are what they are. If you are one of my customers and you want to keep your remaining limbs, then be advised to know these about the Pharmacy Chick…in no particular order.
1. I hate nicknames. I don’t care if everybody else on the planet calls you Chip, Trip, Butch or Buzz, if your given name is Clarence, then you will forever be known here as Clarence. Your prescription labels will say Clarence and when you ask for a prescription, you better say “Clarence”.
2. Put your freakin cell phone away. Nobody, not even the President is that important that you must answer every call 24-7. I may be telling you something you need to hear and if you answer that ringing phone, I am walking away from you.
3. Don’t chit chat to me while I am filling your prescription. I have one attention span and it needs to be focused on filling the Rx you just left me. I love ya, friend but yakking at me while I am filling it will only produce negative results: it will take longer and I may screw up. If you need to tell me something about your health, I am all ears, but if all you want to recount is your golf score, save it for later.
4. Witty comments about “eating on the job” while I stuff a sandwich down on the filling line has never been funny, is not currently funny nor will it EVER be funny. You may enjoy the benefit of a corporate cafeteria with fresh fruit, soup and a salad bar but I don’t.
5. Bitch and whine about how long an Rx takes to fill or how much it costs and you will lose my attention faster than a pickpocket can take your wallet. When you ask me how long it takes to fill a prescription, do you really think I am lying when I tell you 20 minutes??? And if 20 minutes is too long, head down the street to my 24 hour competitor who will tell you 2 HOURS!
6. Do not come begging to me when your mail order doesn’t come thru, and Medco, go to He** if you think I am going to sit on hold with you for 20 minutes to get an override for 14 days because you couldn’t get the mail out fast enough. If I am not good enough to be your regular pharmacy provider, why should I break my back to be your safety net?
7. Kids: ok for those of you who love kids, read no more–really….don’t. I don’t like kids much, in fact I prefer to keep my distance from all humanoids under the age of 10….and I don’t much care for the teenage attitude either, so I guess that pretty much takes care of all minors. But specifically, I really do not like your kids terrorizing my pharmacy. Keep their sticky fingers off my blood pressure machine, my magazines, my counter and my displays. I put merchandise out to sell, not as a personal entertainment system for your children.
8. I am not the store’s information booth. This is a pharmacy. I do not sell FastTix, money orders or fishing liscences at the pharmacy counter, so what ever gave you the idea to ask? Does ANY pharmacy around sell that stuff? I also am not a courtesy clerk, find your own peanut butter and canning jars.
9.. I am not a bank. I do not have change for a C-note at 10:00 am on a Saturday morning. I haven’t even put $20 in the till let alone be able to give you $95.00 change for your $5 copay.
10. Poor planning on your part is…just too bad. I am not going to create pandemonium at your doctors office and the insurance help desk on friday afternoon because you decide you need 3 vacation overrides and 1 Doctor’s auth on a controlled substance…when your plane leaves in 4 hours. Do it yourself or get your drugs at your destination.
11. Do not call me every hour to see if your prescription is ready. Its not going to speed the process and all you will do is tick me off and I CAN make it take much longer if I choose to. If I tell you I will call YOU when its ready, do not keep calling me “in case I forget”…I will not forget.
12. Do not compare me to my competitors unless you are lavishing praise upon me. I don’t believe you if you tell me they are faster (cuz they aren’t) or cheaper (cuz I’ve already checked). If they are so wuuuunderful, then why are you standing here?
13. Coupons and price matching– see number 12. If Cost-cutter Rx INC is so cheap, then why don’t you dump me and go to them? Let me tell you why, because they will tell you to comeback in 2 days to pick up the refill you waited til you were out of, they make you park a half mile away from the door, and stand in line for a half hour with all the other schmoes who wanted to save $0.42 on their atenolol. And spare me the gift cards, I have already written about that–you aren’t checking out my business, you are playing the company for the fool that it is for even offering that garbage.
14. Phone calls: you do not need to talk to ME to take your refill over the phone, see if your rx is ready, or to discuss store hours of operation. First off, we have a very efficient automated system to help you with all of that. Second of all, if you must talk to a humanoid, we have very efficient technical help who can manage the difficult task of writing down your refill number or checking on the status of your refill.
15. Do not, REPEAT, DO NOT chase me down the aisle or seize me in the parking lot as I am leaving for the night and ask me if its too late to get a prescription. There is no longer a counter between me and you–how much do you like your remaining limbs anyway?
AND a few for the Doctors:
1. If I take the time to maneuver my way thru your phone system to speak to a living breathing member of your staff, to discuss a patient issue that couldn’t wait any longer, do not do me the disservice of shuttling me to somebody elses voice mail! If I wanted voice mail, I wouldn’t have wasted the time calling!
2. If you are going to practice medicine out of your kitchen and call in stuff for your friends and neighbors will you at least do the the favor of telling me that so when we call for refills next time and catch crap from your nurse ” he/she is not a patient” we will know better?
3. English goes a long way–do you suppose you (and any of your phone-using staff) can effectively learn to speak it? If Olga the deeply Russian nurse, or Thuy the thoroughly Chinese medical assistant cannot seem to transmit one simple prescription accurately over the phone without assistance, how am I supposed to confidently fill it?
4. Your refills: Unless you are requiring your refill requests to be presented to you handritten on parchment by monk scribes, there is no reason you need to take 3 days to ok a simple refill! And I don’t care how irritated you are at receiving my 2nd or 3rd fax, I am going to fax you every 24-stinkin hours until you fax back an ok or denial. Simply ignoring it will result in only one thing: a really mad patient cuz I am going to direct them to call you when you dont call me back–It makes me look really good for trying SO HARD and you so REALLY BAD for not calling me back.
5. I know you are super important, God-like and stuff, but I must be a complete failure for living in a city with 2 million people, 10,000 physicians, a medical school and teaching hospital, because I have not memorized every signature for every single Dr. and Dr Wannabe. So just humor me and print your name and phone when you use the generic discharge blanks the hospital gives you, ok? Cuz it really sucks when I send your patient home empty handed because I can’t read your scribble…and I can’t call you….and by the way, DEA numbers aren’t just for suckers–if you write narc’s, you have to USE it.
Happy Trails! Send me your fav’s too