Ive been trying to write more in recent days. The Joy is just not there….the desire, urge, whatever…to put the proverbial pen to paper ( which of course few people do anymore) but in this case, fingers to key board… has been gone. No will whatsoever to really write my thoughts and place out for the world to see. I no longer find it interesting to write about my job.
It’s been a good ride and with all rides…eventually they come to an end. This will be that end. I just have run out of interesting things to say and re working or hashing out the same old things seems silly. Obviously I am not alone. The heyday of pharmacy blogging has ebbed tho there are but a few interesting posts that occasionally shows up. I miss Angry and Angriest as only they could weave profanity into poetry. I miss Ole apothecary for his wisdom from the ages. I don’t care about politics very much and because the boards of pharmacy don’t care about pharmacists, doing battle with them is usually fruitless.
When I started to write, I was inspired to write for an audience that I assumed would be fellow pharmacists…those who could relate to what I wrote about…the day to day life of a retail pharmacist. I was surprised to see that more of my readers came from the non pharmacy variety.. patients, nurses, a few doctors..etc..based on the comments I received.
I’ve written on just about every subject I could think of. I’ve had comments from people who could relate and some from people who totally missed the point and released venom only a rattlesnake could appreciate. I still get comments filled with hatred about my posts on the oxycontin error made at a different store. The comments descended into a war of words on narcotics use and abuse when that wasn’t the topic. Yet I am trashed to this very day. I also get comments on the post about the Norco rx I got where the person wanted it 14 days early and was mad when I said NO because he felt that paying cash meant he could fill it at will. Clearly any post about a narcotic or controlled substance hits a nerve. Any other drug in the same situation gets merely a yawn.
Ive been called judgmental and mean by people who think my job is to fill any prescription handed to me, no matter the circumstance. And of course that isn’t the case, legally or ethically. We have a corresponding responsibility to only fill prescriptions for a legitimate medical use and I could face suspension for failing to do that.
I have been vilified for having an opinion. Apparently pharmacist cannot have an opinion. we are to be robotic in our demeanor and actions.
Ive been carved a new orifice for not feeling sorry for every train wreck that comes to my pharmacy. Apparently being able to say no to an unreasonable request makes me an insensitive a$$hole.
Ive been shocked at the unkindness of strangers who read blogs for the sole purpose of spewing hate anonymously. After a while I had no more tolerance for their crap and would either not allow their comments or would dish it right back.
Ive also cried with customers who have lost their loved ones after valiant battles with cancer. Ive sat at the end of a death bed hearing stories about ballroom dancing with a woman whose feet will never touch the floor again. Ive sat in a dark pharmacy long after closing waiting for people also working late so they can pick up their own prescriptions. Ive had mothers lose their children to cancer and children lose their mothers to the same. I found Melanoma on the back of one customer who thanks me every year when he gets his flu shot, and called 911 with one hand while a customer on the phone believed he was having a heart attack ( and called ME for some reason…)
Ive made errors…I have caught errors. Ive written about my errors, and written about the errors of others. Most recently I caught an error where a Dr prescribed Serophene 50mg for a pregnant woman. Nothing made sense about this prescription and it took a great deal of effort to make the office research it. It was supposed to be Seroquel. I asked the nurse. “Do you realize the gravity of this error that your nurse practitioner signed off on??” She only said they picked the wrong drug on a drop down menu. I said ” We have procedures in place for when something like this happens in a pharmacy. I hope that your office has the same because this could have been a tragedy.”
Ive written about the things I care deeply about and then later wondered about my lack of caring after all these years. I think my lack of caring has made it easier to quit writing because I walk away from work each day not fretting about stuff. I give 100% of my efforts to doing the right thing in every circumstance even if its not popular. I’ve come to understand that what I do isn’t a popularity contest and doing what is right and legal isn’t always going to make me a star in the eyes of a patient. Sometimes doing the right thing means somebody has to wait longer so I get an answer from a dr office about a drug interaction, a drug selection, or verifying the legitimacy.
Ive shared my private life with readers. Ive shared the loss of my mother, the death of my pets, my faith challenges, the thrill of the victories and the agonies of my failures. Every day I struggle with my inadequacies, so reading hurtful comments made that worse.
I wrote for my own personal enjoyment and after a while it became more work than fun as I struggled to come up with interesting ideas to write about. I attribute this to being not emotionally attached to my job anymore. Don’t get me wrong… I care about doing a quality job. I care about doing the best job I can, in fact. I devote a great deal of effort to making sure that my employer gets his money’s worth. What I no longer do is derive emotional support FROM or get emotionally INVOLVED with the activities of the store or its customers. I am friendly and funny, and happy and all that, because that is precisely what is expected of me. but I am no longer emotionally invested. I don’t miss it when I am not there, and I don’t feel any special loyalty to the company. Part of this emptiness can be blamed on emotional exhaustion. Retail pharmacy can suck the life right out of you, just like the Dementors in Harry Potter… but part of the blame goes to the company itself who has demonstrated over and over that I am merely an expense, a person of no value, to be controlled, manipulated, and monitored. I am weary. My work is for the Lord. It is only for his Glory that I expend the effort. I have never wanted applause or accolades, awards or recognition. Im a total introvert, those things STRESS not impress me. At the end of the day all I want is to have happy customers, accurate work and a clean pharmacy for the next day. That is it.
And so, after trying ONE more time to post interesting thoughts and being not only disappointed in the quality of the material but the fact I doubt too many people even read me anymore because of the infrequency of the posting, Ive decided to sail off into the virtual universe.
So THANK YOU, for having taken this ride with me.
Blessings to you all.